from another blog-November 2009-

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2009
afraid
Barb is afraid that she is going to die (presumably soon)

Van is afraid that he is not going to die soon.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2009
follow-up
Barb asked me this morning that if she dies first that we buy two burial plots. I told her I am holding out on that crypt over Marilyn Monroe.
Then I said nothing.
She said she wants Seaside Cemetery (in Corpus Christi).
I said i prefer Rose Hill (where our youth group does luminaries in December).
Then I told her I want the Mississippi Delta as my final resting grounds.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2009
Step forward
Small milestone yesterday (11/4/2009)-the medical supply company removed the rental hospital bed. B has been in her bed for a few weeks. Still using the bedsore layer and foam cushion on top of our mattress.

Only rentals we still have are the potty and wheelchair. I can see the wheelchair going away once football is over. The potty may be here a while.

B is now doing 3 days of PT/OT a week as an outpatient. Tuesday she was there from 9:30 till about 11:45. It is exhausting, but I think it is helpful and allows her to focus only on rehab and not be distracted by other stuff that needs to be done. Yesterday she had no PT and went to FBS to eat lunch w Sarah and also went to FBHS school to do an errand. That amount of errands was too much for her (Her Mom helped her with all that). She will have to focus on what needs to be done, not all the un-necessary stuff.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2009
And a step back
Dealing with conflicting interests. Yesterday was about as bad a day as we have had since mid July.
One hand-Enough pain medicine leads to severe constipation (uncomfortable to say the least). We are talking severe and long term.
Other-Decreasing pain med leads to severe depression, jealousy and, oh yeah pain without totally solving the first problem.
Lastly the Mrs. is getting very tired of being very tired and hurting.

Lots of people tell me how this is gonna "work out" (kind of like good karma) or good stuff is gonna happen. I don't see that. Well, maybe I do-people in our church, family and friends have been overwhelmingly giving. And maybe what God wants to do is allow us to be the receivers of others (that is not fun btw for V). But what she would really like is to be able to go to the bathroom, and not be in pain.

I do know we have lived an incredibly privileged life . I still see God as God-but there are a lot of people whose physical lives are much worse who never get to see the metaphorical light of day. Being restored a la Job just may not happen.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2009
Questions-maybe not
Barb and I went to Houston to see a Colorectal surgeon specialist yesterday. Drive there-4 hours of doctors office and then home. Lots of quiet time. Some interesting discussion and open sharing. News? Wait and see.

I was going to list some questions-but I just got word about another family tragedy. One of the dads who was in our China group -adopting their 3rd kid-a special needs girl that Barb and I actually looked as has been diagnosed with metastatic esophageal cancer with a very grim prognosis. We will pray for him and his family.

It seems all we get is bad news. Is this what 45 is? Ty. Mark. College friends son. My questions are so small.

It ends badly doesn't it? At least here on earth.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2009
Nothin' lyrics (Townes Van Zandt)
Hey mama, when you leave
Don't leave a thing behind
I don't want nothin'
I can't use nothin'

Take care into the hall
And if you see my friends
Tell them I'm fine
Not using nothin'

Almost burned out my eyes
Threw my ears down to the floor
I didn't see nothin'
I didn't hear nothin'

I stood there like a block of stone
Knowin' all I had to know
And nothin' more
Man, that's nothin'

As brothers our troubles are
Locked in each others arms
And you better pray
They never find you

Your back ain't strong enough
For burdens doublefold
They'd crush you down
Down into nothin'

Being born is going blind
And buying down a thousand times
To echoes strung
On pure temptation

Sorrow and solitude
These are the precious things
And the only words
That are worth rememberin'

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2009
Bad days and not as bad days
It is always hard to answer the "How is your wife doing?" question I get all the time. First our 15 minutes of fame should be over-it has been almost 20 weeks now. Second the question is kind of like asking someone how are you doing. The answer is an implied positive. The answer I give is some variation of such.

The real answer is either bad, or not as bad as bad. Everyday it is hard at wake up time. Hurt, pain, stiffness. Also in the afternoon it is bad. Then their are the additional things-constipation, worried about the kids, husband being a jerk, can't do anything. Not just some days, everyday. Looks, like answers are deceiving.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2009
Suffering
Barb and I were talking this week-I told her that she is probably suffering more now (pain, discomfort, unable to get comfortable at night) than she did in the hospital. She agreed-except for the ventilator-that was the worst according to her. Contrary to how she looks, she hurts. She is improving but the improving hurts. And mentally she thinks her physical improvement has leveled off.

Attached is an article from the Sunday November 29 news paper article.